Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
