I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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