Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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