I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
