The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
