Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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