So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
