Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
