beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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