u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
