I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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