i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
