So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
