I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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