I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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