I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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