I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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