I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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