The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Last time i carry you out of a forest
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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