my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
