"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
