Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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