he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
