why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
