She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
