On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
