I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You are the jesus of drinking
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
