You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
