My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I didn't notice because vodka
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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