She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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