Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
