tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
