rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
