Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
