he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
