I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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