she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
