look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
