i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
