Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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