You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
