i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just invented taco cereal.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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