I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
