if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
