someone get that fucking seahorse.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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