If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
