she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
