Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
