I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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