She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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