I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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