dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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