3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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