He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
