If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
