Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
